Post by OscarWillebeest on Apr 3, 2008 18:49:01 GMT -5
an excerpt.
...."Hmmm, someone ordered you to follow us?"
"No, only to give you the message which I did. I am following you because I need a friend. Would you please be my friend?"
"Sure, no problem. Here, have a banana."
"You do not mind befriending a talking goat?"
"Can't be worse than some of the fools I have befriended of late. And besides, you do remind me somewhat of Caesar."
"Good lord! I remind you of Caesar?"
"Most certainly, my dear Judas! Your presence is as unreal as some of his policies."
"That is because I feel that my life really serves no purpose. Within a couple of years I shall be no more, and none will mourn my demise. You know, it is a most terrible thing to go through life sans worth, eventually to die without a cause. Even a dead horse serves some purpose. At the least they get sent to the glue factory."
"My dear Judas, nothing in this life is permanent, except maybe stupidity. However, being a Christian I do not have too much time for compassion, but I shall see what can be done. After all, it could have been worse! As it is, Caesar yesterday discovered that stamps have not been invented yet, that there really is no percentage in producing all that glue.
"Worse? How could it have been worse?"
My dear Judas, it could have happened to me! However, now is not the time to philosophise. You should have seen the Praetorian Guard sniffing around at the glue factory, high on something besides suspicion. But say, do you know any wise sayings?"
"Lots. How about "always count the perforations of your toilet paper."
"You call that wise?"
"Absolutely. In life one must make sure that you are not short-changed. One of the slyest tricks ever is to add an extra hole to every row of perforations in each roll of toilet paper. This way the manufacturers score an extra roll with each 10 000 supplied. Now, equate that with the population of greater Rome, and you will notice that they cheat the empire to the tune of enough paper for 20 girlie magazines per month!
And being the way humans are, I am sure that within 2 thousand years or so the devious suppliers will be able to improve their cheating to such an extent that a toilet roll will consist of only perforations, leaving all of us covered in sh*t!
I tell thee not, soon the private citizens will follow suit, and before we know it moral values, goodwill, kindness, compassion, honesty, and everything else will mainly consist of perforations. Why, perforations will become such a menace that it will even appear in the heavens, where it will be known as black holes."
"Brilliant, absolutely brilliant! Know anymore?"
"Yes, be sure to always use 2-ply."
"Hmm... that is really deep. Would you kindly explain it to me?"
"Certainly: The latest fad to counter the multitude of perforations in toilet paper is a roll within a roll. Thus, every time you need some paperwork done, you actually cover your a*se with a double layer of protection, allowing you to afterwards scratch your upper lip without raising a stink!"
"My dear Judas, I stand amazed in the presence of such wisdom, such sagacity. More is the pity that you have to be sacrificed."
"Sacrificed! What on earth for?”
"Well, first of all you are different, and secondly it will deflect any unwelcome attention away from myself. Here, let me stab you with my sword."
"Backstabber! You only befriended me in order to procure a sacrifice!"
"My dear Judas, now is not the time to philosophise. According to the great master, Oscarius Wildius "true friends stab you in the front." Come on, do not turn your back on me at such a historical moment! Surely we cannot have a talking goat upsetting the norm, now can we? At the least this will set a precedent which will cement your name in the annals of mankind:" The scapegoat Judas!!!" You will be mentioned by both paupers and emperors for evermore!"
''I don't think so. Besides, the great Poe had us believing that even ravens quite garrulously converse regarding matters most weighty. And the population appears to have been mum regarding!’’
"Friend, there you go again! The raven, in all fairness, will be of an era when the hallucinatory justification of man will be such that a talking raven is the least of their depraved conceptions. Just think about it for a moment, at the worst your life would have served some purpose! Us Christians always welcome those in our midst whom serves a purpose, especially so if such underscore our own justifications.''
"Sounds ok to me. Go right ahead, friend."
...."First you must sign this handwritten contract, which states that, as your manager I am entitled to any and all income which might derive from your untimely demise. Furthermore, all costs incurred are for the account of mankind's conscience, if such can be proven to exist. In return I personally guarantee that in commemoration of this momentous occasion, we shall conscientiously stage numerous re-runs of your demise. May the best man win."
The goat cocked me a beamer, took the pencil of Isocrates, and scrawled his mark....
...."Hmmm, someone ordered you to follow us?"
"No, only to give you the message which I did. I am following you because I need a friend. Would you please be my friend?"
"Sure, no problem. Here, have a banana."
"You do not mind befriending a talking goat?"
"Can't be worse than some of the fools I have befriended of late. And besides, you do remind me somewhat of Caesar."
"Good lord! I remind you of Caesar?"
"Most certainly, my dear Judas! Your presence is as unreal as some of his policies."
"That is because I feel that my life really serves no purpose. Within a couple of years I shall be no more, and none will mourn my demise. You know, it is a most terrible thing to go through life sans worth, eventually to die without a cause. Even a dead horse serves some purpose. At the least they get sent to the glue factory."
"My dear Judas, nothing in this life is permanent, except maybe stupidity. However, being a Christian I do not have too much time for compassion, but I shall see what can be done. After all, it could have been worse! As it is, Caesar yesterday discovered that stamps have not been invented yet, that there really is no percentage in producing all that glue.
"Worse? How could it have been worse?"
My dear Judas, it could have happened to me! However, now is not the time to philosophise. You should have seen the Praetorian Guard sniffing around at the glue factory, high on something besides suspicion. But say, do you know any wise sayings?"
"Lots. How about "always count the perforations of your toilet paper."
"You call that wise?"
"Absolutely. In life one must make sure that you are not short-changed. One of the slyest tricks ever is to add an extra hole to every row of perforations in each roll of toilet paper. This way the manufacturers score an extra roll with each 10 000 supplied. Now, equate that with the population of greater Rome, and you will notice that they cheat the empire to the tune of enough paper for 20 girlie magazines per month!
And being the way humans are, I am sure that within 2 thousand years or so the devious suppliers will be able to improve their cheating to such an extent that a toilet roll will consist of only perforations, leaving all of us covered in sh*t!
I tell thee not, soon the private citizens will follow suit, and before we know it moral values, goodwill, kindness, compassion, honesty, and everything else will mainly consist of perforations. Why, perforations will become such a menace that it will even appear in the heavens, where it will be known as black holes."
"Brilliant, absolutely brilliant! Know anymore?"
"Yes, be sure to always use 2-ply."
"Hmm... that is really deep. Would you kindly explain it to me?"
"Certainly: The latest fad to counter the multitude of perforations in toilet paper is a roll within a roll. Thus, every time you need some paperwork done, you actually cover your a*se with a double layer of protection, allowing you to afterwards scratch your upper lip without raising a stink!"
"My dear Judas, I stand amazed in the presence of such wisdom, such sagacity. More is the pity that you have to be sacrificed."
"Sacrificed! What on earth for?”
"Well, first of all you are different, and secondly it will deflect any unwelcome attention away from myself. Here, let me stab you with my sword."
"Backstabber! You only befriended me in order to procure a sacrifice!"
"My dear Judas, now is not the time to philosophise. According to the great master, Oscarius Wildius "true friends stab you in the front." Come on, do not turn your back on me at such a historical moment! Surely we cannot have a talking goat upsetting the norm, now can we? At the least this will set a precedent which will cement your name in the annals of mankind:" The scapegoat Judas!!!" You will be mentioned by both paupers and emperors for evermore!"
''I don't think so. Besides, the great Poe had us believing that even ravens quite garrulously converse regarding matters most weighty. And the population appears to have been mum regarding!’’
"Friend, there you go again! The raven, in all fairness, will be of an era when the hallucinatory justification of man will be such that a talking raven is the least of their depraved conceptions. Just think about it for a moment, at the worst your life would have served some purpose! Us Christians always welcome those in our midst whom serves a purpose, especially so if such underscore our own justifications.''
"Sounds ok to me. Go right ahead, friend."
...."First you must sign this handwritten contract, which states that, as your manager I am entitled to any and all income which might derive from your untimely demise. Furthermore, all costs incurred are for the account of mankind's conscience, if such can be proven to exist. In return I personally guarantee that in commemoration of this momentous occasion, we shall conscientiously stage numerous re-runs of your demise. May the best man win."
The goat cocked me a beamer, took the pencil of Isocrates, and scrawled his mark....